The theme of listening runs through the parable of the farmer scattering seed. Notice how Jesus describes the progression from hearing to listening to understanding. The more we listen and the better we listen, the more we understand. That's certainly true of Jesus' teachings, but it also applies to conversations between loved ones.

You cannot overestimate the importance of listening to your loved one. Listening communicates, "I value you and our relationship. I want to know you." You can never have an intimate marriage if you don't know your loved one.

Consider some basic rules of listening. Respect your loved ones ideas, even when they differ from your own. Do not condemn your loved one's thoughts (as that stifles if not kills the desire to communicate.) Be slow to respond. Listen twice as much as you talk, and you will know your loved one much better.

If your loved one starts talking, treat it as "holy moment." The one you love is about to reveal something. When your loved one begins to reveal his or her inner self, do nothing to stop the flow. Use good nonverbal communication to engage in the conversation. Set everything else aside, and focus on listening. Nod sympathetically. Smile if your spouse says something funny. Let your eyes show concern if your spouse expresses pain. Ask questions to make sure you're getting the message. Good, active listening stimulates communication, and good communication deepens intimacy.

Take time to pray and ask God to help you not just hear but truly listen to and understand your loved one, to teach you to listen well so that you gain more and more understanding of the person you love, and to grow your self-discipline so that you become an active, alert listener.

Take more time to discuss and reflect on...

-What makes someone a "good listener"?

-What can you do to foster good conversations and make your loved one feel heard?

-What setting (time and place) is conducive to sharing your thoughts and feelings? (Consider setting a special night!)

Consider these passages for further study on Communication:

Proverbs 18:13 To answer before listening—
    that is folly and shame.

Philippians 2:4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,

Matthew 13:1-23

That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. ² Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. ³ Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. ⁴ As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵ Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶ But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. ⁹ Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

¹⁰ The disciples came to him and asked, “Why do you speak to the people in parables?”

¹¹ He replied, “Because the knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them. ¹² Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. ¹³ This is why I speak to them in parables:

“Though seeing, they do not see;
    though hearing, they do not hear or understand.

¹⁴ In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:

“‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
    you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
¹⁵ For this people’s heart has become calloused;
    they hardly hear with their ears,
    and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
    hear with their ears,
    understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.’^[a]

¹⁶ But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. ¹⁷ For truly I tell you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.

¹⁸ “Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: ¹⁹ When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. ²⁰ The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. ²¹ But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. ²² The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. ²³ But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

It takes practice to listen. Be patient when you are willing to learn. A great way to practice for me was to join a Toastmasters club as they taught you different things to listen for. These little things help expand your awareness to really find the focus you need in your relationships.

Keep striving toward greatness in every area of your life. Share an example how listening has helped your life!