James 1:19 offers three pearls of wisdom: "You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." Imagine the harmony in our relationships if we would implement these three pieces of advice. Listening closely to our spouses shows respect and love.
Empathetic listening begins when you affirm the importance of your marriage relationship. When conflicts arise, set the stage for resolution by carefully stating your objective: "I want to hear what you are saying because I know it is important to you, and I value our relationship." Write this sentence on an index card, and read it out loud to yourself once a day until you memorize it so that when a conflict arises, you will be ready to state your objective. Affirming the importance of your marriage relationship is a way of consciously choosing to put yourself in the role of an empathetic listener - one who is seeking to discover a spouse's thoughts and feelings. If you don't consciously remind yourself that you are a listener, then you will likely revert to being an arguer.
Most people will need some training to become good listeners because we are responders by nature. One research project found that the average person listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting to give his or her own opinion. Such quick responses trigger arguments.
Take time to pray and ask God to help you become quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. As you pray:
- Ask the Holy Spirit to nudge you when you need to show active, empathetic listening skills, and listen to Him.
- Though Job's friends turned out to be miserable comforters, they first spent a week in silence in the ashes with him. Ask God to grow that wisdom in you.
- Pray over Proverbs 14:29, asking God to help you internalize that lesson.
Discuss or reflect on these questions:
Which of these three guidelines do you most struggle with: being quick to listen, slow to speak, or slow to get angry?
What active listening skills can you use to help your loved one feel heard, such as making eye contact, pausing what you're doing, restating what you hear (by saying, "This is what I'm hearing you say...")?
In the heat of a conversation, how can you both work together to practice empathetic listening?
Consider these passages for further study on listening:
Deuteronomy 13:4 It is the Lord your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him.
Proverbs 10:19 Sin is not ended by multiplying words,
but the prudent hold their tongues.
Proverbs 18:13 To answer before listening—
that is folly and shame.
James 1:19-27
Listening and Doing
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.
26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. 27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
The wisdom of this devotional comes from Gary Chapman. Always allows you to be on the upper end when you prove that you are focused on listening first as it can overtake our emotions. The Lord is wise when he shows us ways to be slow to speak, quick to listen.