Defensiveness is a common reaction when someone's self-esteem is threatened. Defensiveness reveals a self-esteem hot spot. Unfortunately, you won't know your spouse's self-esteem hot spots until you touch one of them.
The key to lessening your spouse's defensive reactions is learning to communicate your concerns in a way that will not strike at his or her self-esteem. For example, let's say Bill tends to get defensive any time his wife, Megan, asks him to mow the lawn. Megan can assume the issue is tied to his self-esteem. Therefore, in an open conversation with him on an evening when they are not in conflict, she may say, "Bill, I've noticed that when I mention mowing the lawn to you, your natural response is to be defensive. I'm assuming that something in your past related to mowing the grass is causing this defensiveness. I hope you know that my intention is not to anger you, so I would like to find a better way to handle this." Chances are, Bill will be responsive to what she is saying, and together they can find a way for her to express her concern without stimulating defensiveness in him.
Take time to pray and ask the Lord:
To help you recognize defensiveness in yourself;
To give you insight into your spouse's defensive hot spots;
Guide the two of you in finding less defensive - and more productive - ways to communicate.
Discuss and reflect on these questions:
In the heat of an argument, why is it sometimes tempting to say something you know hits your spouse's self-esteem hotspot?
How can you tell when you have hit a hot spot in your spouse's self-esteem?
How can you make amends for past confrontations in which you were less than loving with your spouse?
Consider these passages for further study on communication:
Proverbs 15:2 The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly,
But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.
Ecclesiastes 5:2 Do not be rash with your mouth,
And let not your heart utter anything hastily before God.
For God is in heaven, and you on earth;
Therefore let your words be few.
James 1:26 26 If anyone [a]among you thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless.
I Chronicles 19:1-5
It happened after this that Nahash the king of the people of Ammon died, and his son reigned in his place. 2 Then David said, “I will show kindness to Hanun the son of Nahash, because his father showed kindness to me.” So David sent messengers to comfort him concerning his father. David’s servants came to Hanun in the land of the people of Ammon to comfort him.
3 And the princes of the people of Ammon said to Hanun, [a]“Do you think that David really honors your father because he has sent comforters to you? Did his servants not come to you to search and to overthrow and to spy out the land?”
4 Therefore Hanun took David’s servants, shaved them, and cut off their garments [b]in the middle, at their buttocks, and sent them away. 5 Then some went and told David about the men, and he sent to meet them because the men were greatly ashamed. And the king said, “Wait at Jericho until your beards have grown, and then return.”
Great thoughts of Gary Chapman. It makes me consider ways of how others are feeling and how I should react to their feelings.