Mordecai was a father figure to Esther, the girl he raised as a daughter who was married to a controlling man. Yet, as Esther 4:12-14 shows, Mordecai did not try to play power for power in influencing her with respect, love, advice, and questions. He did not demand results. Perhaps he is a model for us when dealing with adult children.

If you express love to your children and keep their love tanks full, you probably know that requests are more productive than demands. No one likes to be controlled, and demands are efforts at controlling. Demands may get results, but they are almost always accompanied by resentment. Requests tend to keep the relationship positive, while demands drive a wedge between people.

Young adults also tend to respond much more positively to suggestions than they do to proclamations. When we make God-like proclamations, our children are likely to dismiss them as, "The wind is blowing again," and not give serious thought to them. However, when we offer suggestions, we acknowledge our humanity and limited experience. We simply share our best thoughts, which children will more likely receive and give due consideration.

Take time to pray and thank God for giving you a model of parenthood in the story of Esther. Ask Him to help you follow Mordecai’s example of exerting influence. Ask the Lord to bless your efforts to interact positively with your children.

Take time to reflect with these questions:

How good are you at keeping your children’s love tanks full? Explain.

How good would your children say you are at keeping each of their love tanks full?

Which will be most difficult for you: giving requests instead of demands or offering suggestions instead of proclamations? Explain.

Consider these passages for further study on Communication:

Proverbs 15:2 The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing, but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness.

Ecclesiastes 5:2 Don’t make rash promises, and don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few.

James 1:26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.

Esther 4:12-14 So Hathach gave Esther’s message to Mordecai. Mordecai sent this reply to Esther: “Don’t think for a moment that because you’re in the palace you will escape when all other Jews are killed. If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?

I love the story of Esther showing an example of her strong courage and determination to do what is right. These are great insights of Gary Chapman. Keep encouraging our children and working in keeping their love tanks full.