Being made in God’s image, we also should seek out reconciliation in our relationships. Conflict is inevitable; we will sin against each other. Then what? Do we resolve conflicts or become entrenched in arguing?

Often the difference between resolving conflicts and arguing is attitude. Why do people argue? In one word: rigidity. We adopt a rigid attitude and dig in our heels. In essence we’re saying, “My way is the right way, and if you don’t do it my way, then I will make your life miserable.” This reflects the attitude of arguers, people who insist on getting their own way.

Conflict resolvers have a different attitude. They say, in effect, “I’m sure we can work this out in a way that will be positive for both of us. Let’s think about it together.” Spouses who adopt this attitude are looking for a win-win resolution.

In the model in Isaiah 1, God, who was perfectly in the right, still extended Himself to resolve the conflict. May we do the same.

Take some time to pray individually or as a couple, asking God…

To help you become a conflict resolver, committed to restoring relationships.

To soften your heart when you become overly rigid.

To grow you into a person of unfailing love and faithfulness, perfectly in balance (see John 1:14).

If you have more time, discuss together or reflect on these questions:

What’s the difference between holding your ground on an important issue and being unreasonably rigid?

Reflect on your past arguments with your spouse. When was a time your spouse extended incredible grace to you, and committed to resolving the conflict?

In a heated argument, what are some concrete choices a conflict resolver would take?

Consider these passages for further study on conflict:

Proverbs 19:18-19 Discipline your children, for in that there is hope;
    do not be a willing party to their death.

¹⁹ A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty;
    rescue them, and you will have to do it again.

Habakkuk 1:3 Why do you make me look at injustice?
    Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
    There is strife, and conflict abounds.

I Corinthians 6:1-11

Lawsuits Among Believers

6 If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? ² Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? ³ Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! ⁴ Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? ⁵ I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? ⁶ But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of unbelievers!

⁷ The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? ⁸ Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters. ⁹ Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men^[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. ¹¹ And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Isaiah 1:15-20 When you spread out your hands in prayer,
    I hide my eyes from you;
even when you offer many prayers,
    I am not listening.

Your hands are full of blood!

¹⁶ Wash and make yourselves clean.
    Take your evil deeds out of my sight;
    stop doing wrong.
¹⁷ Learn to do right; seek justice.
    Defend the oppressed.^[a]
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
    plead the case of the widow.

¹⁸ “Come now, let us settle the matter,”
    says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
    they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
    they shall be like wool.
¹⁹ If you are willing and obedient,
    you will eat the good things of the land;
²⁰ but if you resist and rebel,
    you will be devoured by the sword.”
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

In challenging times, we are often more influenced by our emotions, and it can be challenging to control them. Breathing and taking a step back to evaluate the situation you’re in can give you a broader perspective on what’s needed.

Remember to keep the Lord first, and everything works out. Good guiding thoughts of Gary Chapman.

Conflicts are not simple differences of opinion or preferences, such as different favorite colors. Conflicts are disagreements in which both spouses feel strongly, and their differing views affect their behavior, causing disharmony. Conflicts can erupt in any area of life: driving, eating, money, sex, in-laws, spirituality, leisure time, and child rearing, to mention a few. Conflicts are not necessarily harmful, and they’re inevitable in every marriage. Our objective is not to get rid of conflicts but rather to resolve conflicts and thereby learn how to work in harmony, as teammates, toward mutual goals.

When a couple learns to resolve conflicts in this manner, when they work together to understand, encourage, and support each other, marriage becomes beautiful. The ancient Hebrew proverb, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed” (Ecclesiastes 4:9), becomes a reality. Their deep, emotional need for companionship is met. They approach life with a sense of harmony; together, they will accomplish far more than they could achieve alone. Standing back-to-back, they can conquer the challenges that come their way (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

Take time to pray individually or as a couple, asking God to teach you how to resolve conflicts in healthy ways, to use conflicts to grow you closer together, and to make the fabric of your marriage more like the unity described in this passage: encouraging, supportive, beautiful, amiable, and strong.

Discuss together or reflect on these questions:

How can conflict strengthen a marriage?

What are some conflicts that have surprised you in your marriage?

In this season of your marriage, do you feel like you are fighting more against each other or back-to-back (with each other) against external enemies? Why?

Consider these passages for further study on working together:

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron,
    so one person sharpens another.

Romans 15:5 May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had,

Philippians 2:1-2 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.

Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 Again I saw something meaningless under the sun:

⁸ There was a man all alone;
    he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
    yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,
    “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”
This too is meaningless—
    a miserable business!

⁹ Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
¹⁰ If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
¹¹ Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
¹² Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Conflicts are challenging. Yet when you see them as a blessing, perspectives change, and you can work through them no matter how hard they may seem.

When we confess to God, it means that what we have done is wrong. Confession makes no attempt to minimize our wrongdoing but openly admits that our behavior is inexcusable. first John 1:9 tells us God stands ready to forgive those who admit their sins.

After confessing to God, you must confess to the person you’ve wronged.

In marriage, that is your spouse. Your confession might go something like this: “I’ve been thinking about us, and I realize that in a lot of ways I have failed you. I sat down the other day and made a list of things I feel I have done that are wrong. I have asked God to forgive me for each of the things, and if you have a few minutes, I’d like to share my list with you and ask if you would forgive me as well. I really want the future to be different, and I think this is where I need to start.

Take time to pray and tell the Lord:

Praise Him for His willingness to forgive and restore you.

Confess any sins that are eating at your conscience.

Ask Him to bless your efforts to repair relationships that were damaged by your sin.

Take time to reflect:

How does the expression “Right actions begin with right thoughts” apply to your discussion of confession and forgiveness?

When is the best time to talk about issues in your marriage?

How would your spouse respond if you came to him or her with the words of confession in the devotion?

Consider these passages for further study on Confession:

Psalm 32:1-7 Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight!

Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.

Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.

For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory.

Proverbs 28:13 People Who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.

James 5:16-18 Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. Elijah was as human as we are, and yet when he prayed earnestly that no rain would fall, none fell for three and a half years! Then, when he prayed again, the sky sent down rain and the earth began to yield its crops.

The first step in being aware is a step to put together and organize what needs to be changed to make things right. Great tips to reflect on from Gary Chapman.

Arguments, by their very nature, create an atmosphere of antagonism. Couples become adversaries rather than friends. Rarely do couples argue themselves into harmony, Often, though, they argue themselves into hopelessness.

Marital conflicts are inevitable, but arguing is an option – an unhealthy option. Arguments never resolve conflicts; they simply intensify them. Unresolved conflicts over a period of months or years have led many couples to the conclusion that they are not compatible. In their minds, if they were, they wouldn’t have so many conflicts and would be able to resolve them easily.

Marital conflicts can be resolved, but it requires that we get off our stallion of superiority and view each other as human beings who are uniquely crafted in God’s image. A husband and wife can form a strong team when they work together using their differences as strengths to help and encourage each other. And as a team, they can use their abilities to make a difference for good in their family and community.

Take some time to pray individually or as a couple. Talk to God about the conflicts in your marriage. Confess the times when you’ve handled conflict poorly. Ask Him to help you learn to respond to conflict in a loving, positive manner.

If you have more time…

Discuss together or reflect on these questions:

How do you feel about arguments? Explain.

What makes you think your side of an argument is right?

What is the most effective way to resolve conflict with your spouse?

Consider these passages for further study on Resolving Conflict:

Matthew 18:15-17 “If your brother or sister^[a] sins,^[b] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. ¹⁶ But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’^[c] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Romans 12:17-21 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”^[a] says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary:

James 1:19  My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry,

2 John 1:3 Grace, mercy, and peace from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Father’s Son, will be with us in truth and love.

It’s always good to get to the core and reason why arguing and continuous actions happen. When we learn to work on the differences, it is then we grow in ourselves and the Lord. Thoughts of Gary Chapman to share how we can respond to conflict in a loving, positive manner.