Everyone knows that leaders must demonstrate competence to earn the trust and respect of their followers. No one chooses to follow an incompetent leader over a competent one, regardless of personality. Friendships are not synonymous with leadership; people can like you as a friend but not follow you as a leader. To the degree they feel you as a leader. To the degree they feel you are incompetent to lead, they will distance themselves from your leadership.

Competence goes beyond words. It’s the leader’s ability to say it, plan it, and do it in such a way that others know you know your business – and know that they want to follow you. Competence must be sought at every organizational level. Incompetence can be tolerated nowhere. John Gardner once wrote, “The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.”

Jesus highlights the issue of competence in the two stories recounted in Luke 14. In both stories, what is missing is competence. The builder and the king in these stories lacked what it took to get the job done. Therefore, the tower never got built, and the war was never won. According to Jesus, competence requires three ingredients:

1. Commitment – Jesus said our commitment to Him must look like disdain for everyone else. We must pick up our cross and follow Him.
2. Resources – Jesus spoke about a builder calculating whether he had enough to finish a tower. Determine whether your resources, gifts, talents, and abilities are available to do the job.
3. Intelligence – Jesus spoke about a king seeking counsel to know whether he should go to battle. Part of competence is the insight to know what to do, when to do it, and how to do it.

The combination of these three components spells not only competence, but excellence. It’s what makes people follow a leader. So – in what area are you most competent? Where do you excel? What makes others follow you?

Great questions and thoughts from John Maxwell. It forces me to think about my strengths and what others around me have mentioned they like to build on. Keep building your resources to deepen your use of your intelligence and tools.

Luke 14:28-32

²⁸ “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? ²⁹ For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, ³⁰ saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’

³¹ “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? ³² If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace.

Another aspect of social intimacy involves the couple doing things together. Attending a movie or athletic event, shopping, walking the dog together, or having a picnic in the park together are all ways of building social intimacy. Much of life involves doing. When we do things together, we not only develop a sense of teamwork, but we also enhance our relationship.

In Isaiah 26:9, the prophet described strongly desiring to spend time with God: “All night long I search for you; in the morning I earnestly seek for God.” That same sense of urgency to enjoy another’s company- which often is prompted by our good memories of previous encounters – is beneficial in marriage. The things we do together often form our most vivid memories. Will we ever forget climbing a mountain together? Or giving the dog a haircut? Social intimacy is an important part of a growing marriage.

Take some time to pray and…

Thank God for the memories you have developed as a couple.

Thank Him for the fun, laughter, and times you can enjoy just being together.

Ask Him to help you intentionally cultivate social intimacy as you grow in your relationship.

Take time to reflect on these questions.

When are some of your favorite shared memories as a couple?

What are some activities you really enjoy doing together (ranging from the mundane to special occasions)?

How can you set aside and protect more time to build social intimacy?

Consider these passages for further study on friendship:

Amos 3:3

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”

Acts 2:42-47 All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper), and to prayer.

A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshipped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared meals with great joy and generosity. All the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved.

Philippines 2:1-2 Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate?

Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

Thoughts of Gary Chapman.

When they are gone, you know to focus on the joy and love they gave you.