Her husband Nabal, on the other hand, almost provoked the slaughter of his whole household. Nabal’s name means “fool,” and he lived up to his name. A man without discernment, he selfishly refused to provide for David and his men. An enraged David gathered his troops to kill every male in Nabal’s home, and he would have done it – except for Abigail. Note the following relationship lessons she teaches us:

Relationship Lessons from Abigail

1. Risky initiative: Abigail took the first step with David to resolve a sticky situation.
2. Emotional security: Abigail demonstrated inward security in her identity.
3. Genuine humility: Abigail submitted to David by falling at his feet and seeking his favor.
4. Personal responsibility: Abigail took responsibility for Nabal and explained his wicked behavior.
5. Selfless attitude: Abigail focused entirely on David’s welfare and future success.
6. Generous spirit: Abigail gave David and his men a choice gift for their journey.
7. Forthright approach: Abigail directly asked David to forgive Nabal.
8. Quick wit: Abigail suggested David didn’t want a slaughter on his conscience.
9. Eternal perspective: Abigail saw David and their relationship
10. Kind affirmation: Abigail sought David’s benefit and gave him encouraging words.

The Stuff Good Relationships Are Made Of

Effective leaders grow their relational skills in the following manner:

• Have a Leader’s Head: Understand People. Abigail knew how to appeal to David to accomplish her goal.
• Have a Leader’s Heart: Love People. Abigail assumed the role of a servant, submitting to both David and her husband. She felt secure enough to serve.
• Have a Leader’s Hand: Help People. Abigail gave David and his men what they needed. She added value to him and thereby saved the lives of her family.

Nabal: The Other Shoe Drops

Nabal’s wife may have excelled in relationships, but Nabal floundered. Their marriage illustrates that opposites really do attract.

As David and his men were preparing to pass through Nabal’s property, David sent a few men ahead to ask Nabal if he could spare anything: food, wool, drinks, or anything else – they weren’t choosy. But Nabal refused to give them even the time of day. He grumbled loudly and sent them away with insults. How foolish!

Nabal should have known that David had saved his nation from Goliath and the Philistines. He should have known that David had long protected Nabal’s men and possessions. But if Nabal knew any of these things, they didn’t matter to him. Nabal still refused to return David’s favor.

So was Nabal a criminal? Did he do anything illegal or immoral? Not really. He simply sabotaged his leadership by his lack of people skills.

Nabal serves as a prototype of many pastors and leaders today. Like Nabal, we become so consumed with our own work and personal life that we neglect the only eternal resource on this earth: people. How exactly did Nabal fail to develop healthy relationship skills?

Why Did Nabal Fail?

1. Nabal grew wealthy and satisfied and didn’t think he needed to build relationships (v. 2).
2. Nabal became selfish and distrustful of others; he was unable to overcome his evil temperament (v. 3).
3. Nabal neither gave nor received encouragement; he had grown numb to positive attitudes (v. 6).
4. Nabal forgot how others had blessed him in the past; he counted only his losses (vv. 7,8).
5. Nabal belittled people and forgot their names; his insecurity prevented him from being generous (v. 10).
6. Nabal saw no reason to help others; he was driven by self-centered motives (v. 11).
7. Nabal wanted to build only his own “kingdom,” not God’s (v. 11).

Do you or someone you know suffer from similar symptoms? Relational skills are paramount in the kingdom of God. Jesus summarized the kingdom of God. Jesus summarized the kingdom of God. Jesus summarized the kingdom in two phrases:

1. Love God with all your heart, and
2. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Our faith doesn’t revolve around some sterile creed or doctrine, although creeds remain essential. Faith revolves around relationships, vertical with God and horizontal with people. It’s all about relationships.

Four Word Pictures

What could Nabal have done to improve his relational skills? He could have started by embracing the following word pictures:

1. The Host: Just as a host takes initiative and makes a guest feel comfortable in their home, so we are to host the relationships in our lives.
2. The Doctor: Just as a doctor does not give a diagnosis, we are not to poke and prod others with questions, so that our responses match the relevant need.
3. The Counselor: A good counselor actively listens. Since the number one emotional need of people today is the need to be understood, we must deepen our listening skills.
4. The Tour Guide: You hire a tour guide to help you reach your planned destination. God wants us to serve as spiritual “tour guides” for others, allowing them to reach their potential.

I Samuel 25:1-42

And Samuel died; and all the Israelites were gathered together, and lamented him, and buried him in his house at Ramah. And David arose, and went down to the wilderness of Paran.

² And there was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great, and he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats: and he was shearing his sheep in Carmel.

³ Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.

⁴ And David heard in the wilderness that Nabal did shear his sheep.

⁵ And David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name:

⁶ And thus shall ye say to him that liveth in prosperity, Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast.

⁷ And now I have heard that thou hast shearers: now thy shepherds which were with us, we hurt them not, neither was there ought missing unto them, all the while they were in Carmel.

⁸ Ask thy young men, and they will shew thee. Wherefore let the young men find favour in thine eyes: for we come in a good day: give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.

⁹ And when David’s young men came, they spake to Nabal according to all those words in the name of David, and ceased.

¹⁰ And Nabal answered David’s servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master.

¹¹ Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be?

¹² So David’s young men turned their way, and went again, and came and told him all those sayings.

¹³ And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.

¹⁴ But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal’s wife, saying, Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master; and he railed on them.

¹⁵ But the men were very good unto us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we any thing, as long as we were conversant with them, when we were in the fields:

¹⁶ They were a wall unto us both by night and day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep.

¹⁷ Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him.

¹⁸ Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and a hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses.

¹⁹ And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal.

²⁰ And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert on the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them.

²¹ Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good.

²² So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

²³ And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,

²⁴ And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.

²⁵ Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.

²⁶ Now therefore, my lord, as the Lord liveth, and as thy soul liveth, seeing the Lord hath withholden thee from coming to shed blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal.

²⁷ And now this blessing which thine handmaid hath brought unto my lord, let it even be given unto the young men that follow my lord.

²⁸ I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the Lord will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the Lord, and evil hath not been found in thee all thy days.

²⁹ Yet a man is risen to pursue thee, and to seek thy soul: but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the Lord thy God; and the souls of thine enemies, them shall he sling out, as out of the middle of a sling.

³⁰ And it shall come to pass, when the Lord shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel;

³¹ That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the Lord shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.

³² And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:

³³ And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.

³⁴ For in very deed, as the Lord God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

³⁵ So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.

³⁶ And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal’s heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.

³⁷ But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone.

³⁸ And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal, that he died.

³⁹ And when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the Lord, that hath pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and hath kept his servant from evil: for the Lord hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head. And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife.

⁴⁰ And when the servants of David were come to Abigail to Carmel, they spake unto her, saying, David sent us unto thee, to take thee to him to wife.

⁴¹ And she arose, and bowed herself on her face to the earth, and said, Behold, let thine handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.

⁴² And Abigail hasted, and arose and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went after her; and she went after the messengers of David, and became his wife. Read full chapter

Learning both relationships helps to grow stronger lessons to apply to future relationships. Find ways to help others become leaders in their relationships with others.

Hagar and Ishmael

16 Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar; ² so she said to Abram, “The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.”

Abram agreed to what Sarai said. ³ So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian slave Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. ⁴ He slept with Hagar, and she conceived.

When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. ⁵ Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me.”

⁶ “Your slave is in your hands,” Abram said. “Do with her whatever you think best.” Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her.

⁷ The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. ⁸ And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?”

“I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered.

⁹ Then the angel of the Lord told her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” ¹⁰ The angel added, “I will increase your descendants so much that they will be too numerous to count.”

¹¹ The angel of the Lord also said to her:

“You are now pregnant
    and you will give birth to a son.
You shall name him Ishmael,^[a]
    for the Lord has heard of your misery.
¹² He will be a wild donkey of a man;
    his hand will be against everyone
    and everyone’s hand against him,
and he will live in hostility
    toward^[b] all his brothers.”

¹³ She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen^[c] the One who sees me.” ¹⁴ That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi^[d]; it is still there, between Kadesh and Bered.

¹⁵ So Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram gave the name Ishmael to the son she had borne. ¹⁶ Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore him Ishmael.

Those who master problem-solving, one of the 21 Indispensable qualities of a leader, find that it’s one of the fastest ways to gain leadership in any group. Anyone who can solve problems will never lack influence.

But the influence gained isn’t always positive.

Consider the case of Sarah. God told her husband, Abraham, that his offspring would grow as numerous as the sands of the seashore and the stars in the sky. But there was a problem: Sarah was barren and past the age of childbearing. As the years passed, God’s promise didn’t appear any closer to fulfillment.

Sarah faced a problem and felt compelled to find a solution. Lacking the patience to trust God to keep His promise, Sarah looked to her own methods. After waiting more than a decade for a son, she felt she had waited long enough and, unwisely, attempted to fulfill God’s will in her own way, through an Egyptian servant named Hagar.

Sarah’s solution, however, gave her no peace. When Hagar became pregnant by Abraham and bore a son named Ishmael, Sarah despised both Hagar and her newborn son. Hagar had done what she was asked, but satisfaction eluded Sarah.

Control Freak!

The actual problem facing Sarah was not a need for offspring, but her own impatience. Sarah wanted control, something that has afflicted many leaders throughout history. Instead of trusting God, Sarah tried to make the promise come true by using her own methods and according to her own timetable. She depended upon her own strength when she should have leaned on Almighty God. She illustrates what happens when an insecure leader tries to work independently of God. Insecure leaders:

1. Believe God is inattentive, absent, or even against them.
2. Allow their circumstances to determine their understanding of God’s character.
3. See life through a perspective of scarcity rather than abundance.
4. Become self-seeking and manipulative.
5. Feel intimidated and deal with others through intimidation.
6. Resent the success of others and angrily turn on them.
7. Think that if one person succeeds, someone else must lose.
8. Blame others for their dilemmas.
9. See themselves as martyrs.
10. Conclude that attempts at control are seen as more logical than trusting God.

Do you identify with Sarah? Do you struggle with a desire to control problems rather than doing things God’s way? If so, ask God to reveal how He would have you deal with your issues in a way that honors Him.

Identifying with the problem-solving that Sarah goes through starts with belief. When the faith in the belief is strong, everything aligns. How do you keep your faith strong as you figure out ways to solve problems?

This is the squirrel in our front yard that was thanking us for feeding it. The squirrels and birds have faith and belief that they will be fed every day. I think that is a miracle that the Lord provides.