Mary Poppins had it right when she sang, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.” Compliments make requests for change more palatable. Try a three-to-one ratio. Tell your loved one three things you like about him or her, and then name one thing you would like him or her to change.

If you will take one request from your loved one each week and will work on it to the best of your ability, you’ll be amazed by how much better you will become in three months. The same is true with the ones receiving the request who are willing to take a request from their loved ones each week and seek to improve.

When you make a request and your loved one goes to work on it, don’t forget to notice and praise the effort. Without compliments, your request may sound like nagging. By recognizing your loved one’s efforts to improve and praising his or her positive qualities, you will motivate your spouse to make additional changes.

Take time to pray:

• Thanking God for giving you your loved one!
• Listing several qualities you love in your loved one.
• Ask God to give you wisdom, discernment, and patience as you try to motivate change in certain aspects of your loved one.

Discuss together or reflect on these three questions:

How have you changed to benefit your spouse? How has your spouse changed to benefit you? Give at least one example for each.

How do you decide which imperfections you can live with and which you’d like your loved one to change?

What would you like your loved one to know when it comes to changing your behavior?

Consider these passages for further study on conflict resolution:

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath,
    but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Philippians 2:4 does not look to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry,

Philemon 1:4-22

I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, ⁵ because I hear about your love for all his holy people and your faith in the Lord Jesus. ⁶ I pray that your partnership with us in the faith may be effective in deepening your understanding of every good thing we share for the sake of Christ. ⁷ Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people.

Paul’s Plea for Onesimus

⁸ Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, ⁹ yet I prefer to appeal to you on the basis of love. It is as none other than Paul—an old man and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus— ¹⁰ that I appeal to you for my son Onesimus,^[a] who became my son while I was in chains. ¹¹ Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to you and to me.

¹² I am sending him—who is my very heart—back to you. ¹³ I would have liked to keep him with me so that he could take your place in helping me while I am in chains for the gospel. ¹⁴ But I did not want to do anything without your consent so that any favor you do would not seem forced but would be voluntary. ¹⁵ Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back forever— ¹⁶ no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a fellow man and as a brother in the Lord.

¹⁷ So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me. ¹⁸ If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. ¹⁹ I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back—not to mention that you owe me your very self. ²⁰ I do wish, brother, that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ. ²¹ Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I ask.

²² And one thing more: Prepare a guest room for me, because I hope to be restored to you in answer to your prayers.

Great ideas of Gary Chapman. I way to ease into changing without strong confrontation. Share your wisdom.