Being made in God’s image, we also should seek out reconciliation in our relationships. Conflict is inevitable; we will sin against each other. Then what? Do we resolve conflicts or become entrenched in arguing?

Often the difference between resolving conflicts and arguing is attitude. Why do people argue? In one word: rigidity. We adopt a rigid attitude and dig in our heels. In essence we’re saying, “My way is the right way, and if you don’t do it my way, then I will make your life miserable.” This reflects the attitude of arguers, people who insist on getting their own way.

Conflict resolvers have a different attitude. They say, in effect, “I’m sure we can work this out in a way that will be positive for both of us. Let’s think about it together.” Spouses who adopt this attitude are looking for a win-win resolution.

In the model in Isaiah 1, God, who was perfectly in the right, still extended Himself to resolve the conflict. May we do the same.

Take some time to pray individually or as a couple, asking God…

To help you become a conflict resolver, committed to restoring relationships.

To soften your heart when you become overly rigid.

To grow you into a person of unfailing love and faithfulness, perfectly in balance (see John 1:14).

If you have more time, discuss together or reflect on these questions:

What’s the difference between holding your ground on an important issue and being unreasonably rigid?

Reflect on your past arguments with your spouse. When was a time your spouse extended incredible grace to you, and committed to resolving the conflict?

In a heated argument, what are some concrete choices a conflict resolver would take?

Consider these passages for further study on conflict:

Proverbs 19:18-19 Discipline your children, for in that there is hope;
    do not be a willing party to their death.

¹⁹ A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty;
    rescue them, and you will have to do it again.

Habakkuk 1:3 Why do you make me look at injustice?
    Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
    There is strife, and conflict abounds.

I Corinthians 6:1-11

Lawsuits Among Believers

6 If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? ² Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? ³ Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! ⁴ Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? ⁵ I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? ⁶ But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of unbelievers!

⁷ The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? ⁸ Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters. ⁹ Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men^[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. ¹¹ And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Isaiah 1:15-20 When you spread out your hands in prayer,
    I hide my eyes from you;
even when you offer many prayers,
    I am not listening.

Your hands are full of blood!

¹⁶ Wash and make yourselves clean.
    Take your evil deeds out of my sight;
    stop doing wrong.
¹⁷ Learn to do right; seek justice.
    Defend the oppressed.^[a]
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
    plead the case of the widow.

¹⁸ “Come now, let us settle the matter,”
    says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
    they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
    they shall be like wool.
¹⁹ If you are willing and obedient,
    you will eat the good things of the land;
²⁰ but if you resist and rebel,
    you will be devoured by the sword.”
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

In challenging times, we are often more influenced by our emotions, and it can be challenging to control them. Breathing and taking a step back to evaluate the situation you’re in can give you a broader perspective on what’s needed.

Remember to keep the Lord first, and everything works out. Good guiding thoughts of Gary Chapman.

Mary Poppins had it right when she sang, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.” Compliments make requests for change more palatable. Try a three-to-one ratio. Tell your loved one three things you like about him or her, and then name one thing you would like him or her to change.

If you will take one request from your loved one each week and will work on it to the best of your ability, you’ll be amazed by how much better you will become in three months. The same is true with the ones receiving the request who are willing to take a request from their loved ones each week and seek to improve.

When you make a request and your loved one goes to work on it, don’t forget to notice and praise the effort. Without compliments, your request may sound like nagging. By recognizing your loved one’s efforts to improve and praising his or her positive qualities, you will motivate your spouse to make additional changes.

Take time to pray:

• Thanking God for giving you your loved one!
• Listing several qualities you love in your loved one.
• Ask God to give you wisdom, discernment, and patience as you try to motivate change in certain aspects of your loved one.

Discuss together or reflect on these three questions:

How have you changed to benefit your spouse? How has your spouse changed to benefit you? Give at least one example for each.

How do you decide which imperfections you can live with and which you’d like your loved one to change?

What would you like your loved one to know when it comes to changing your behavior?

Consider these passages for further study on conflict resolution:

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath,
    but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Philippians 2:4 does not look to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry,

Philemon 1:4-22

I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, ⁵ because I hear about your love for all his holy people and your faith in the Lord Jesus. ⁶ I pray that your partnership with us in the faith may be effective in deepening your understanding of every good thing we share for the sake of Christ. ⁷ Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people.

Paul’s Plea for Onesimus

⁸ Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, ⁹ yet I prefer to appeal to you on the basis of love. It is as none other than Paul—an old man and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus— ¹⁰ that I appeal to you for my son Onesimus,^[a] who became my son while I was in chains. ¹¹ Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to you and to me.

¹² I am sending him—who is my very heart—back to you. ¹³ I would have liked to keep him with me so that he could take your place in helping me while I am in chains for the gospel. ¹⁴ But I did not want to do anything without your consent so that any favor you do would not seem forced but would be voluntary. ¹⁵ Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back forever— ¹⁶ no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a fellow man and as a brother in the Lord.

¹⁷ So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me. ¹⁸ If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. ¹⁹ I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back—not to mention that you owe me your very self. ²⁰ I do wish, brother, that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ. ²¹ Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I ask.

²² And one thing more: Prepare a guest room for me, because I hope to be restored to you in answer to your prayers.

Great ideas of Gary Chapman. I way to ease into changing without strong confrontation. Share your wisdom.