Being made in God’s image, we also should seek out reconciliation in our relationships. Conflict is inevitable; we will sin against each other. Then what? Do we resolve conflicts or become entrenched in arguing?

Often the difference between resolving conflicts and arguing is attitude. Why do people argue? In one word: rigidity. We adopt a rigid attitude and dig in our heels. In essence we’re saying, “My way is the right way, and if you don’t do it my way, then I will make your life miserable.” This reflects the attitude of arguers, people who insist on getting their own way.

Conflict resolvers have a different attitude. They say, in effect, “I’m sure we can work this out in a way that will be positive for both of us. Let’s think about it together.” Spouses who adopt this attitude are looking for a win-win resolution.

In the model in Isaiah 1, God, who was perfectly in the right, still extended Himself to resolve the conflict. May we do the same.

Take some time to pray individually or as a couple, asking God…

To help you become a conflict resolver, committed to restoring relationships.

To soften your heart when you become overly rigid.

To grow you into a person of unfailing love and faithfulness, perfectly in balance (see John 1:14).

If you have more time, discuss together or reflect on these questions:

What’s the difference between holding your ground on an important issue and being unreasonably rigid?

Reflect on your past arguments with your spouse. When was a time your spouse extended incredible grace to you, and committed to resolving the conflict?

In a heated argument, what are some concrete choices a conflict resolver would take?

Consider these passages for further study on conflict:

Proverbs 19:18-19 Discipline your children, for in that there is hope;
    do not be a willing party to their death.

¹⁹ A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty;
    rescue them, and you will have to do it again.

Habakkuk 1:3 Why do you make me look at injustice?
    Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
    There is strife, and conflict abounds.

I Corinthians 6:1-11

Lawsuits Among Believers

6 If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? ² Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? ³ Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! ⁴ Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? ⁵ I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? ⁶ But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of unbelievers!

⁷ The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? ⁸ Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters. ⁹ Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men^[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. ¹¹ And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Isaiah 1:15-20 When you spread out your hands in prayer,
    I hide my eyes from you;
even when you offer many prayers,
    I am not listening.

Your hands are full of blood!

¹⁶ Wash and make yourselves clean.
    Take your evil deeds out of my sight;
    stop doing wrong.
¹⁷ Learn to do right; seek justice.
    Defend the oppressed.^[a]
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
    plead the case of the widow.

¹⁸ “Come now, let us settle the matter,”
    says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
    they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
    they shall be like wool.
¹⁹ If you are willing and obedient,
    you will eat the good things of the land;
²⁰ but if you resist and rebel,
    you will be devoured by the sword.”
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

In challenging times, we are often more influenced by our emotions, and it can be challenging to control them. Breathing and taking a step back to evaluate the situation you’re in can give you a broader perspective on what’s needed.

Remember to keep the Lord first, and everything works out. Good guiding thoughts of Gary Chapman.

First Thessalonians 5:16-18 gives us some key steps to developing a positive attitude: “Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances.”

If you want to know your attitude, look at your words and behavior. If your words are critical and negative, then you have a negative attitude. If your behavior is designed to hurt or get back at your spouse, then you have a negative attitude. Paul gives straightforward counsel in Philippians 2:14: “Do everything without complaining and arguing.” Following this advice and guarding your attitude are the most powerful things you can do to affect your behavior and influence your marriage.

Take time to pray and ask God to overcome a negative attitude. Commit yourself to avoid complaining and arguing. Ask Him to help you rejoice, and be thankful.

Discuss together or reflect on these questions:

Do people generally see you as a positive person or a negative person? Explain.

What past events have shaped your attitude and outlook?

Do you and your spouse’s attitudes most often complement each other or conflict with each other? What effect has that had on your relationship?

Consider these passages for further study on Attitude:

Galatians 5:20-23

idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹ and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentlenesses, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.

Ephesians 4:23-24 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Philippians 2:1-5

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

⁵ In your relationships with one another have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Great thoughts of Gary Chapman. It made me look deep at how I am affecting others with my attitude. Please share your thoughts.

This challenge of maintaining a positive mental attitude is not a contemporary idea. The apostle Paul wrote, “Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. … Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” (Philippians 4:6-8).

You are responsible for your own attitude. That’s important to understand because your attitude affects your actions. If you have a pessimistic, defeatist, negative attitude, you will express it in negative words and behavior. At that point, you become a part of the solution.

If, on the other hand, you will follow Paul’s advice, you will effect big changes in your life and in your marriage.

Take time to pray. Ask God to:

Make you aware of the attitude that you are projecting.

Help you correct the attitude in yourself that needs correcting.

Help you be a positive influence on your loved ones.

Discuss together or reflect on these questions:

How have negative attitudes affected your family?

How can you keep yourself from dwelling on negative thoughts?

How can you help your spouse keep from dwelling on negative thoughts?

Consider these passages for further study on Attitude.

Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Matthew 12:33-37 “Make a tree good and its fruit will be good or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. ³⁴ You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. ³⁵ A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. ³⁶ But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. ³⁷ For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words, you will be condemned.”

Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Share how you keep your thoughts positive. Great thoughts of Gary Chapman. For me, I love sharing positive prayers.